BAD Advice

Tip To Bring on Labor: Eat Spicy Food.

Tip For AFTER Following Previous Tip: Prepare for the WORST stomachache, heartburn, and gastrointestinal “events” of your life. Oh, and invest in a 14-day dosage of Prilosec OTC (the new #1 ranking heartburn medication in the “Rebecca Knapp Heartburn Relief Research Project of 2005”).

I would also like to take this opportunity to debunk most of the wives’ tales and general hooey that “they” (whoever that is) tell desperate pregnant woman at the 41 and ½-week mark to help bring on labor:

1) Do Jumping Jacks. You have GOT to be kidding me. You’re telling a woman who can’t get herself out of bed, put on her own socks or get out of the shower without a near death experience to start jumping around repeatedly?! First of all, I think it might be physically impossible, and secondly, it’s just cruel.

2) Sex and/or Nipple Stimulation. Some suggest that even if it doesn’t work, at least it’s fun. “FUN?!” Those who suggest this have either never been or don’t remember what 40+ weeks of pregnancy feels like. Let’s just say, it is FAR too gymnastic to come near any remote form of enjoyment.

3) Drink Castor Oil. As if you aren’t excruciatingly uncomfortable at this point anyways, let’s take a few heaping spoonfuls of castor oil and cause total anarchy in your bowels. Yeah, that sounds like a GREAT idea.

4) Eat Spicy Food. I’ve obviously already addressed this nightmare, but I’m still recovering from my spicy burrito bowl from Chipotle and can’t emphasis my point enough. Just DON’T do it – trust me.

5) Take a Hot Shower. Man, does this one feel good, and boy do I feel ready to head to the hospital at any moment in my constant state of pure cleanliness. But alas, no baby.

6) Walking. I walk two to four laps around our local mall every morning, and have for the past week. While I feel great, am getting some hearty aerobic exercise, and have been welcomed into the social circles of the retired folks who meet up in the food court after their daily, morning walks, still no baby.

7) Walk Along a Street Curb one foot on the street and one on the curb so you're walking up and down. (Sorry Alison, I had to include this one!) So now, how do you explain THAT one to your neighbors?!

I must also point out that there is a profound difference between bringing on LABOR and bringing on CONTRACTIONS. One results in a baby, and the other hurts a whole lot just for the heck of it. To further illustrate this point, I am having a swell time entertaining some pretty fierce contractions these past few days, but I’m still only 2 cm dilated. Explain that, my dear tale-telling wives.

OK, OK, I have become QUITE cynical at this point, but even the retired folks in the mall-walking club look at me with sincere pity. I suggest that there are no tips or tricks to fool old Mother Nature. If any of these things have worked for others, I suspect it’s half chance and half “your body was ready to have a baby, so it did.” Speaking only for myself, I’ve tried making my womb as hostile of an environment as possible, and Baby Knapp is just way too comfy in there. So now, my only remaining option is to to sit back, relax and wait for Mother Nature to take her course. Oh, and if all else fails, we’re scheduled to induce on Saturday – THAT oughta do the trick, eh?!